Conflict is inevitable in relationships, even the most successful ones. In fact, it is natural and could actually be healthy, offering functional and positive aspects of the relationship. With open and respectful communication, couples build intimacy and feel closer to each other. Research has shown that the success or failure of a relationship does not depend on whether a relationship has a conflict or not, but rather on how it’s managed.

In Gottman’s research on marriages, he asked two questions:

1.  What makes for a satisfying marriage?

2.  What predicts divorce?

He found that not all negatives are equal.  Four of these negative communication patterns stood out as being the most destructive and biggest predictors of divorce, relationship failure and separation with over 90% accuracy if these behaviors are not changed. Gottman named these, The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse. They are Criticism, Defensiveness, Contempt, and Stonewalling. While most relationships will have some of these, healthy relationships don’t use them nearly as often and do more to repair them when they are used. In this article, we will discuss criticisms and alternative, more constructive methods of communicating.

The First Horseman: Criticism.

“You always...” “You never...” “You’re the type of person who ...” “Why are you so ...” “You are such a slob, leaving your towels all over the bathroom like that.”

Sounds familiar?

Generalizations and criticisms attack our partner’s character or personality, usually with the intent of making someone right and someone wrong. When you criticize your partner, you are taking a problem between you and putting it inside your partner’s body, attacking their core and dismantling his/her whole being. Your partner will most probably feel attacked, assaulted, rejected, and hurt and thus respond defensively or critically. This is a dangerous pattern of communication because neither member of the couple feel heard and both may begin to feel bad about themselves in the presence of the other.

How to communicate differently?

1. Complain but don't blame:

A criticism is not a complaint. No matter how “at fault” you feel your partner is, approaching them with criticisms and accusations is not effective. Make a direct complaint or critique by focusing on a specific behavior without blame, rather than using a global attack on your partner’s personality. Here is an example to help you distinguish between the two:

• Criticism:

  “You never think about how your behavior is affecting other people. I don’t believe you are that forgetful, you’re just selfish! You never think of others! You never think of me!”

• Complaint:

   “I was scared when you were running late and didn’t call me. I thought we had agreed that we would do that for each other.”

• Criticism:

  “You always talk about yourself. You are so selfish.”

• Complaint:

  “I’m feeling left out by our talk tonight. Can we please talk about my day?”

2. “I” statements instead of “You”: 

when you start sentences with “I”, you are less likely to seem critical, which would immediately put your partner in a defensive position. Therefore, focus on your feelings using “I” statements, not on accusing your partner! For example, instead of “you’re so careless with money and should stop spending on stupid things,” say, “I think that we should try to save more money.” This way, both you and your partner will gain something from the conversation and feel that you are hearing and understanding each other more.

3. Express your needs in a positive manner:

What do you feel? What do you need from your partner in this situation? For example, you can ask for a positive need by saying “I need you to listen to what I have to say and to wait until I am done speaking,” instead of “I need you to stop interrupting me.

4. XYZ statements:

You can combine behavior descriptions with I-statements by making XYZ statements: “When X happened, I felt Y, and I want Z.” Below are three examples,

• “When you mention my diet in front of my friends, I feel self-conscious and ashamed, and I prefer that we don't discuss my diet with others."
• “When you leave wet towels on the floor for me to find, I feel angry because I think I am being taken advantage of.”
• “When I ask you for help but instead you tell me what I did wrong, I feel scolded, not helped.”

5. Gentle start-ups:

softening the start-up of your conversations is critical to resolving relationship conflicts by using words like “honey, darling, babe, etc.”. If your arguments start softly, your relationship is far more likely to be stable and happy.

6. Describe what is happening, but don't evaluate or judge:

Instead of accusing, violently attacking or blaming your partner, simply describe what you see in the situation/behaviors and stick to just the observable facts. Be clear and keep your sentences brief. Don't expect your partner to read your mind. For example, try saying “I seem to be the one chasing after Adam today” instead of “you never watch the baby and always put all the responsibility on me.” Moreover, instead of saying “you are so lazy”, you could say, “You left wet towels on the bathroom floor again.” This focuses the discussion on small, correctable problems rather than broad accusations or long-standing habits. Keep your description precise and concrete, such as "towels" and "wet," rather than "mess." This approach will more likely help your partner take your perspective into consideration and deliver the results you are hoping for instead of lashing out at you.

7. Avoid generalizations like "always" and "never":

"You always do this! You never help around here!" Such attacks are not only inaccurate and biased, they are also demoralizing. Imagine hearing such a criticism leveled at you: if you truly "never" do something right, then making a small effort now feels pointless.

8. Be polite and appreciative:

Just because you are in conflict with your partner, it does not mean that your respect and affection for them has to diminish. Use phrases such as “please” and “I appreciate it when you…” to help maintain the warmth and emotional connection during difficult conversations.

9. Stick to what you know:

You don't know your partner's intentions, but you do know how you feel. Instead of “You deliberately humiliated me in front of my mother!” say, “I felt humiliated when you said that in front of my mother.” From a practical perspective, you-statements invite contradiction, but I-statements do not. If you say, “You meant to hurt me,” the other person can reply, “I did not!” But if you say, “I felt hurt,” your partner can hardly argue, “No. You did not feel hurt.” Right or wrong, your feelings are your feelings. By sticking to what you feel and know, you stay focused, avoid accusations, and give your partner something to respond to: “I'm sorry you felt hurt. I didn't mean to hurt you. I'll try not to do that again.”

If you find that you or your partner are critical of each other, don’t assume your relationship is doomed to fail. The problem with criticism is that, when it becomes pervasive, it paves the way for the other, far deadlier horsemen, which we will discuss later. It makes the victim feel assaulted, rejected, and hurt, and often causes the perpetrator and victim to fall into an escalating pattern where the first horseman reappears with greater and greater frequency and intensity.

In order to connect with your partner in a healthy way, there must be real communication.

Remember: in many situations, making your intentions clear can allow both of you to avoid needlessly hurting each other’s feelings. It’s crucial that you express your feelings honestly, even when it’s hard – even when it makes you feel vulnerable. Instead of belittling each other, the two of you can become a team, able to soothe one another and give each other comfort. When you are a team, and you don’t attack each other, you learn to build and maintain loving support and trust.