In my previous article, I mentioned The Four Horsemen - patterns of communication that could lead to divorce, Criticism, Defensiveness, Contempt, and Stonewalling. I explained the first pattern, "criticism". In this article, I will explain the second type of communication which is "Defensiveness" and give you some alternatives that can help you maintain your marital relationship.

“It’s not my fault that we’re always late, it’s your fault.” “I didn't…”

Sounds familiar?

Defensiveness is self-protection that may take the form of blaming your partner (righteous indignation) or sometimes, innocent victimhood (seeing self as the victim) in order to ward off a perceived attack. You’re technically saying to your partner, “you are the problem, not me.” Unfortunately, defensiveness doesn't help solve the problem at hand, prevents partners from taking responsibility for problems and the conflict escalates further.

Examples of defensiveness:

1. Making excuses by saying that some external circumstance that is beyond your control forced you to act a certain way or turning the table and making something your partner’s fault. “It’s not my fault…”

• Her: “Did you call Noor and Zaid to let them know that we’re not coming tonight as you promised this morning?”
• Him (defensive response): “I was just too busy today. As a matter of fact, you know just how busy my schedule was. Why didn’t you just do it?”
• Him (non-defensive response): “Oops, I forgot. I should have asked you this morning to do it because I knew my day would be packed. Let me call them right now.” 

2. Whining like an innocent victim that “it’s not fair.”
3. Cross-complaining is when you meet your partner’s complaint, or criticism with a complaint of your own, ignoring what he/she said. Therefore, each partner engages in a dialogue of non-listening, waiting for turns to bring up his or her grievance, and contributing to a sense of numerous problems and bad feeling. Since no complaint is addressed, the problems and resentment persist. For example,

• Her:  "You made a mess in the bathroom, and I was late for work after cleaning up."
• Him: "Well, you loaded the dishwasher wrong, and I had to do them all over."

4. Disagreeing and then cross-complaining such as saying, “That’s not true, you’re the one who ...” “I did this because you did that...”
5. Yes-butting is when you start off by “agreeing,” but then end up disagreeing and you repeat yourself without paying attention to what the other person is saying. In other words, you say "yes, but..." or pretend to agree only to introduce yet another complaint. For example, "Yes, well I already tried to do that, and it took all afternoon. I can't afford the time off work; not everyone can just take time off like you can, you know."

How to communicate differently?

• Accept responsibility, even if only for part of the conflict. Try to hear your partner’s complaint and take some responsibility for the problem. “What can I learn from this?” and “What can I do about it?” For example, you could say, “Well, part of this is my problem, I need to think more about my time more effectively.”
• Use yes and rather than yes-but.
• Re-write your inner script: Replace thoughts of righteous indignation or innocent victimization with thoughts of appreciation, responsibility that are soothing and validating.
• Practice getting undefended: Allowing your partner’s statements to be just what they are and see them just as thoughts and puffs of air.  Let go and try not to hang on to that you are making up about what the statements really mean.

Before you panic and realize you've done all these things some of the time, remember: it's a matter of degree! The researchers point out that even happy couples do these things. The difference is that unhappy couples do them consistently, frequently, or intensely. When communication itself becomes a negative experience, partners quit engaging in it - and soon are no longer partners.