By: Rawand Jabai

Next month my husband and I will complete sixteen wonderful years of marriage. We were young and very much in love when it all started. We decided then, to start our simple life together; a relationship that is based on trust, respect and all of the vows that are exchanged between a wife and husband. Reality is, Learning or repeating such words is completely different from living them. Sixteen years ago, living in a roof-house on the fourth floor in a new country, a completely different culture and environment, far away from family and friends, we started our marriage journey.

I still remember, as if it was yesterday, our talk while sitting on the couch in our hotel room the next day after our wedding night. We agreed and promised each other not to be apart or live away from each other no matter what happens. Here we are today… most days are truly happy moments full of fun and joy, and on other days we are facing real-life challenges. We experienced it all together. From my marriage experience I can say: “Being together and not living apart" it is one of the most important decisions we have made. Today we - as a couple - are more mature, we both have learned a lot about life, and we became almost one person filled with rich experiences. The other day one of my best friends asked about the lessons I have learned from marriage. Personally, I have learned so many valuable lessons that this page cannot list. So, I will share with you my favourite and special 16 ones that I have learned over the past 16 years.  

1. It is your life and your decisions.

Behind doors, it is only you and no one else. It is your decision to live in happiness or sadness.   Your happiness lies in your hands; you both have to find the best way to make it happen. Happiness in marriage needs both your hands together, and it is a long-term investment. Yes, you need to constantly invest in your happiness. It’s not a one-time deposit.  

2. Accept your partner and don’t try to impose changes.

Acceptance from both sides and of both sides is very important and is a major factor in living happily with joy and satisfaction, and away from complications. You can’t change your significant other, but you can both agree on a common way of life. Be yourselves, and see the best in each other. Trust me, you will enjoy each other more.  

3. Communicate with each other as if you are playing tennis.

Think of your communication with each other like a game of tennis. Listen to each other’s input fully and carefully to have a positive dialogue with a fruitful outcome. However, when you are angry for some reason and you are not ready to hear what the other has to say or you don’t want to deal with it at that moment, simply do not communicate. Don’t receive this tennis ball, and do not hit it back to your partner, no matter who is right or wrong. You never know the real reason behind their feelings, just let the tennis ball bounce away from both of you. I call this ball: The anger ball. Couples are meant to stand by each other and help each other in throwing away this anger ball. In any situation, if you can feel the tension on your partner’s side, try to handle the anger gently and wisely. After these feelings have subsided, you can discuss with your partner and offer advice and comments. It will pay off tremendously in the long run, and such moments will bring out maturity and strength in your relationship.  

4. Write to your partner.

   

Through a letter, a greeting card or a small sticky note, write to your partner how you feel. You can write on your mirror a simple “Good morning”, or even draw a simple symbol. Trust me; Just write a note and leave it in a place where you think it will surprise your partner. It will surely leave the desired impression and create the loving climate anyone would aim for.  

5. Your Partner’s priority is your priority.

Always put yourself in your partner’s shoes,  share your partner’s goals and dreams, and make it clear that their priorities are yours as well, regardless of any circumstances. Create future plans together.    

6. Assume good intentions, and avoid judging your partner

Give your partner the benefit of the doubt, and do not cast judgments until you ask your partner and listen carefully to the full story.  

7. Make time to talk to your partner.

Talk and listen to your partner. Try to open an exciting conversation and talk about your daily activities. Be silly sometimes! Laugh and tell jokes. Even if your partner doesn’t respond enthusiastically, at least you made the effort and they will appreciate it ☺  

8. Keep dating.

Decide on a day once a week or even once a month. And don’t skip it! You can spend the day together away from the daily routine and responsibilities,  and away from everything. You can also arrange for a nice romantic dinner, or go to the cinema to watch a movie. You can simply enjoy a walk in downtown or a cup of coffee and a nice view.  

9. Succeed or Fail together.

If your partner experiences failure at some point, make sure to remind them of their strengths and successes, stand by them to empower them, and express it openly to make your partner feel better. Actually, it is the best time to mention their success on previous occasions. Be positive. Believe and make them believe that they will succeed again. Encourage them and talk about all the amazing things you are going to achieve together in the years to come.

10. Your bedroom is your heaven.

Make your bedroom the best place in the house. Take out anything that doesn’t belong there. Nothing should stay inside except things that belong to both of you. Put fresh flowers every week “believe me; seeing and smelling the flowers every morning makes us happy and full of joy”. Do not stick to one basic bed-sheet color, but change it from time to time. Also, keep your bedroom sacred, your children should understand it is your private place. Do not let your kids or their toys occupy part of your room. This room has its own rules and standards and they should understand that.  

11. Recognize your partner in public.

Honor each other publicly. Express it openly and be proud of each other’s successes in front of everybody, including family members and friends.

12. Be grateful and love the life you have chosen.

Remind each other of what makes you a really special couple and a special family. Enjoy doing what you both like and make it part of your lifestyle.  

13. Learn to say: “I’m sorry, I did not mean it.”

Look into your partner’s eyes while you are saying it and mean it, then do your best and work on making the situation better.  

14. Forget each other’s past and start your life Journey together.

There’s no need to talk about each other’s past. You as a married couple need to have a fresh start as you are both starting a new life, and you are both different people now. Your partner’s past is not important and you do not need to remind each other of old stories that are part of history. This way you will have a healthy partnership, and you will have a long life together, full of happiness and Joy  

15. Be together. Always. No matter what.

Always remind yourself: “The most important thing, is that we are in good health and we have each other’s back”. Life has its ups to downs, and standing by each other through it all brings your relationship to a whole new level.  

16. Be your partner’s ally in-front of your children

In the process of raising your children, both of you will make mistakes and there will be a time when you think that your partner is not making sense at all. Do not show it in front of the kids, back each other up and find good excuses for your partner’s behavior and explain it to your kids. Later on, you can discuss it in private and adjust your behavior with your children accordingly. Children need to see their parents as one unit, otherwise, you might end up compromising your children's confidence and accumulating sad memories for them when they witness their parents arguing and making tough decisions. These 16 lessons and more have taught me how to love my husband for who he really is, and not for what I want him to be. Try to understand and live the true meaning of the following words and exercise them regularly: “I LOVE ME, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE US.”