Mothers’ Stories

The transition into parenthood

By Rasha Salib

Published on Invalid Date

6 minutes read

Growing up means different stages in life, but what transition to parenthood means and what does it need

Often hailed as the most glorious adulthood achievement following graduating from university, getting a job, and getting married, and is now the disruption that is your life; I welcome you to parenthood. There is relentless crying, sleepless nights, and noisy toys riddled all over your home. No matter how diligent you get at navigating the toys in the hallway, you nevertheless find yourself in an ungraceful leap, landing straight into the banana mashings your seven-month-old left on the spot of your living room floor. And that was a good day… You may perhaps feel like a slave to your baby’s endless schedule. You have foregone all social events and you are avoiding all contact with your partner because every conversation turns into a quarrel.

You have entered the realm of early parenthood. It is a time of change, transformation, disruption, upheaval… On the surface (caked as it is with crusty day-old milk spit-up and food stains), it seems that your entire world as you know it has exploded and you are unhappy… Hello, first-time parents. Brace yourself, it does get better. So, let’s get you started on a survival mode, say after me: “I own this mayhem I call my life - at least for now.”

There are a few issues that need to be acknowledged and addressed to get you back on track.

Sleepless nights: The root of most early parenthood problems, sleeplessness is the number one criminal in the new parent's meltdown. Lack of sleep results in fatigue, lack of concentration, bad decision-making and irritation, to name a few. This spills over into your relationship with your partner (becoming quick-tempered, impatient, barking orders) and possibly your child (injuries brought on by shaking babies - you should read literature on how to avoid it and the consequences it entails). Try to take shifts, changing every two or three consecutive nights to allow each parent to catch up on some sleep. Negotiate nap times with your partner to get some rest. Accept help from relatives to give you breaks.
The baby’s crying: I find that the worst part is the constantly changing and unclear demands of the baby that drive us absolutely mad. Make note of the different cries to discern hunger from sleep and pain. Babies are good communicators, it's up to us to learn their language. We just need to pay close attention for us to respond accordingly. Similarly, compare notes with your partner to see cues earlier, (ie. hand in the mouth and turning head towards your chest means hunger, etc)
Changes in the relationship between partners: You need to make time to bond with each other as lovers and friends before the baby. Most people do not really know how much their lives change until they become parents and become aware of its impact a few months in. This is when they are exhausted and weary. It would be wise to push yourself a little more to make time for each other to reconnect. You need to get back to the feeling of partnership and being a team. It will pay off when you take time nurturing your marriage by showing how you still think of one another even with a baby. Intimacy and closeness will be something you need to plan on and work at, whereas before, it was a lot more organic and natural.
Roles and expectations: Adapting to new roles within an established relationship requires patience and understanding. You are both have new responsibilities towards one another and towards a dependent baby that will be demanding all of your time and energy. The long nights and days will test your civility. Amid all of this is a pending list of things to do.

Tensions and arguments will flare up when a partner feels that the other is unappreciative or does not do their share of the workload. For example, feeling resentment because the husband slept through the night while the mother breastfed, yet he is upset that she didn't acknowledge he took out the trash. This is when couples really need to discuss the division of labor, sharing baby care, parenting styles, etc. I find that what helped my husband and I is a dialogue where we allow ourselves to express these points of contention so that we can negotiate and resolve. It helps to share initiative and not keep score.

Sometimes it is about the result (crossing things off the list, getting that diaper changed, etc.), and sometimes it is about the process (parenting style, reconnecting, etc.). However, the one that cuts through each and every point is the quantity and quality of communication between the couple. If you create a safe forum to vent without assigning blame, then there is a good chance for the couple to seek out a resolution on matters that concern them.

Tips you may find useful:

Topics such as money, growing pending to-do lists, reduced time together as a couple, regressed social life tend to be recurring culprits in inciting arguments and form most early parenthood realities. Have open and honest discussions with your partner about the expectations you have for your child, what values you wish to pass on, expectations you have of your partner, expectations you have of yourself, fears and anxieties. Then break these down into actionable points on how you wish to divide work tasks, child care, make time for couple activities, address saving and spending behaviors, etc. This should help you feel taking control of the situation.
Incorporate some downtime, either alone (ie. a bath, a read, a nap, a trip to the salon, a workout/class at the gym, an outing with friends) or as a couple (sharing a meal, going for a walk - with the baby in a stroller or without, - watching a movie, cuddling, having a long, nice talk without any disruptions or distractions). Pen it down on the calendar, treat it as you would any other important event, and stick to it so that this becomes part of your regular schedule. (I sometimes meet my husband during his one-hour lunch breaks during the workweek, or we send simple texts to remind ourselves of the mutual love we have, etc.).
Cultivate your personal support system of grandparents, parents, siblings, relatives, neighbors, friends, and colleagues.
Enlist a professional support system of a pediatrician, lactation consultant, nurses, house cleaners, and babysitters.

Rasha Salib

Rasha received her Bachelor’s degree from the University of Toronto, Ontario, Canada, where she specialized in Psychology. She completed her Master of Arts in Clinical Psychology and Marriage and Family Therapy, at Pepperdine University, Malibu, California.

In the US and Canada, Rasha worked with individuals, children, adolescents, families, and couples seeking therapy for relationship issues, addiction, eating disorders, depression, anxiety and trauma. In Jordan, she also served as a school counselor at the Ahliyyah School for Girls, where she provided support and guidance to adolescent females who were experiencing emotional and academic difficulties. She also worked for eight years in private practice in Jordan (Maria Den Braven, Jordan Hospital and Dr. Nasri Jacir’s Clinic). Currently, Rasha is the head of the Psychology Department at Abdali Hospital in Amman. Her fields of specialization are: Couple and Family therapy, premarital counseling, relationship problems, infidelity, parenting issues, personality disorders, treatment of addiction, co-dependency, mood disorders, anxiety disorders and OCD, trauma, abuse, sexual assault, counseling for LGBTQIA+ individuals, grief, bereavement and loss, childhood trauma, eating disorders, suicidal ideations and self-harm behaviors, self-empowerment, and transformational healing.

Rasha provides effective and evidence-based treatment and therapy, anchored in research and positive outcomes that are tailored to meet each individual’s needs. She utilizes an integrative therapeutic approach, working with clients in a collaborative and insightful process and ultimately providing care and support for a transformational journey towards health, healing and wellbeing. Rasha’s clinical mental health and wellness method has a very positive, evidence-based orientation that believes people are competent and resourceful. The focus is on providing quality psychological care by weaving in acceptance with change strategies, exploring how clients would like things to be different, how to make change happen and how to recognize signs indicating that changes are happening. Her work is guided by a tenacious vision of vibrant communities where individuals thrive, succeed, and realize their unique potential of mind, body, and spirit. Rasha’s goal is to empower people to transform and heal themselves psychologically, physically and emotionally.

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There are a few issues that need to be acknowledged and addressed to get you back on track.

Sleepless nights: The root of most early parenthood problems, sleeplessness is the number one criminal in the new parent's meltdown. Lack of sleep results in fatigue, lack of concentration, bad decision-making and irritation, to name a few. This spills over into your relationship with your partner (becoming quick-tempered, impatient, barking orders) and possibly your child (injuries brought on by shaking babies - you should read literature on how to avoid it and the consequences it entails). Try to take shifts, changing every two or three consecutive nights to allow each parent to catch up on some sleep. Negotiate nap times with your partner to get some rest. Accept help from relatives to give you breaks.
The baby’s crying: I find that the worst part is the constantly changing and unclear demands of the baby that drive us absolutely mad. Make note of the different cries to discern hunger from sleep and pain. Babies are good communicators, it's up to us to learn their language. We just need to pay close attention for us to respond accordingly. Similarly, compare notes with your partner to see cues earlier, (ie. hand in the mouth and turning head towards your chest means hunger, etc)
Changes in the relationship between partners: You need to make time to bond with each other as lovers and friends before the baby. Most people do not really know how much their lives change until they become parents and become aware of its impact a few months in. This is when they are exhausted and weary. It would be wise to push yourself a little more to make time for each other to reconnect. You need to get back to the feeling of partnership and being a team. It will pay off when you take time nurturing your marriage by showing how you still think of one another even with a baby. Intimacy and closeness will be something you need to plan on and work at, whereas before, it was a lot more organic and natural.
Roles and expectations: Adapting to new roles within an established relationship requires patience and understanding. You are both have new responsibilities towards one another and towards a dependent baby that will be demanding all of your time and energy. The long nights and days will test your civility. Amid all of this is a pending list of things to do.

Tips you may find useful:

Topics such as money, growing pending to-do lists, reduced time together as a couple, regressed social life tend to be recurring culprits in inciting arguments and form most early parenthood realities. Have open and honest discussions with your partner about the expectations you have for your child, what values you wish to pass on, expectations you have of your partner, expectations you have of yourself, fears and anxieties. Then break these down into actionable points on how you wish to divide work tasks, child care, make time for couple activities, address saving and spending behaviors, etc. This should help you feel taking control of the situation.
Incorporate some downtime, either alone (ie. a bath, a read, a nap, a trip to the salon, a workout/class at the gym, an outing with friends) or as a couple (sharing a meal, going for a walk - with the baby in a stroller or without, - watching a movie, cuddling, having a long, nice talk without any disruptions or distractions). Pen it down on the calendar, treat it as you would any other important event, and stick to it so that this becomes part of your regular schedule. (I sometimes meet my husband during his one-hour lunch breaks during the workweek, or we send simple texts to remind ourselves of the mutual love we have, etc.).
Cultivate your personal support system of grandparents, parents, siblings, relatives, neighbors, friends, and colleagues.
Enlist a professional support system of a pediatrician, lactation consultant, nurses, house cleaners, and babysitters.